This was a massive turning point for me. Learning how to give myself a little grace by cleaning up the thoughts in my head and getting straight with what I’m making things mean. The messy kitchen was not only a messy kitchen. It was a reflection of my ability to perform as mother, wife and housemaker. The dirty kitchen was not the result of a family of 6 living in 1400 sq. feet, it was a reflection of my identity as failure. It meant I couldn’t keep up with this life I chose and was gifted with. It meant I was failing my husband, my kids, and myself. Wow! A sink full of dirty dishes doesn’t have to mean that! I was making it mean that and it felt. So. True. Within 1 second, seeing dirty dishes in the sink took me from Nora working mom, to Nora, failure at life. That head space was toxic for me and resulted in me feeling overwhelmed. The baby was crying, my son wanted “uppies” and my daughter wouldn’t eat her dinner…Life felt chaotic.
So I am extremely grateful to the woman who coached me through what initially sounded like a very silly situation in which I lost my temper with my husband because he innocently commented that there was lots of work to do in the kitchen – which there was. She helped me work through the inner workings of my thought process, to reject what was untrue and unhelpful and embrace what is. “Sometimes I”m a messy mom, and that’s okay.” Earth shattering. Sounds so small to someone not in that place, but for me it was everything. If I could choose to think this instead and to laugh at myself a little bit because truly, organization is not my strong suit and often things get quite un-orderly around here, I could find peace in the chaos of the early years. I could have compassion for myself and a healthy space to allow myself to be imperfect within my own home. For me, this was freedom.
There are still many days where the mess gets to me, but I go back, I remember. This is not evidence to assault my identity as good and capable. That identity is untouchable. That search for my good and untouchable identity has become the bedrock of my existence, and something that will come up often on this blog.
If you are someone who struggles to know their worth and who so often feels rocked in believing they are inherently good if they have nothing to show for it, stick around – I have found something incredible.